"Forgetting something really important"

This is a "horrible mom" post. I can't believe it happened and I can't believe I'm writing about it. But it is one of those things I'll never forget so I might as well.

First a little background information. Our library is downtown and rather large. It has 2 stories and although you can park on the street, I usually park in the parking garage. To get to the library from the parking garage, you have to walk down two long hallways (like a L) and then take an elevator to get to the library's main entrance.

Here's the horrible story:
The other day I took the kids to story time at the library. We are signed up along with some other friends. We were gathered at the fish tank waiting for the older kids to get off the computers so we could leave. Then we all left the library (or so I thought): Me with Ben in the stroller, Emily and Sam; Teri with Madison in a stroller, Hayden and Rachelle; and Hillary and Blake. We all crammed into the elevator (3 adults, 2 strollers and what I thought was 5 kids). As we were getting out of the elevator, we had the following dialogue.

Me to Hillary and Teri: Do you ever have that feeling you're forgetting something really important? (For some reason I'm suddenly filled with anxiety like I'm forgetting something really important)

(As we are talking all the kids are running down the hallway. My kids are supposed to stop at the corner and wait before running down the hallway to the parking garage.)

Hillary and Teri: Yea, I know you mean.

Hillary: That's when you do a head count.

Me: Let's see, I have Emily, Sam, Ben, my diaper bag, my purse, my library bag, my books are checked out. What could I be forgetting?

Emily and Rachelle: Mom, they (meaning the boys) didn't stop at the mirror (corner). They ran down the hall.

All the moms hurry to the corner to make sure all the kids are safe. We get to the corner and see Blake and Hayden at the open door which does into a foyer which leads to the parking garage.

Me: Where's Sam? Where's Sam? WHERE'S SAM????!!!!! (Horrible visions of Sam wandering around in a parking garage but unbelievable because that is sooooo against the rules.)

Hillary: I don't think he was in the elevator.

Panic breaks out. Teri runs to the door to the parking garage. I have Hillary (8 months pregnant) stay with Ben and I run back to the library. I run down the stairs as fast as I can. I run into the library, turn the corner to the fish tank and see the saddest/happiest sight a mom can ever see.

There was my precious, little boy shaking and sobbing. He was surrounded by two other "moms" who were reassuring him. We see each other and run. I scoop him up and hold him so close, never going to let him go again.

Me: Sam, I thought you were with us. I thought you were with Emily.

Me to the other moms: We left with a large group and I thought he was with us. (They nod in understanding but I still feel horrible and have a compelling need to explain.)

Sam: I wanted to look at the fish longer. I'll never do that again! I'll never do that again! (still sobbing)

We left the library, both of us shaking and relieved to find each other and join the others. I feel horrible, negligent, afraid for what could have happened!!! How keeps running through my mind.

As I reflect back on it, I still swear I saw his blue shirt in the crowded elevator and running down the hall with the kids. He was with me as we were waiting for Emily to get off the computer. He must have slipped away and I didn't realize it; then he didn't realize we were leaving. Because there were ten of us and I expected him to still be with me; I didn't realize he was missing. But my motherly instincts told me something was wrong. I realized right away that I was missing something. I still thought he was with the other kids as we were walking down the hallway. I thought those feelings were the result of an unusually busy, stressful few weeks.

I'm so relived that he was okay. The horrible feelings of what could have happened didn't go away for awhile. It made me recognize how quick something bad can happen and appreciate my precious, sweet children. Because no matter how frustrating they can be sometimes, the sky would be dark without them.

In the car we had a discussion about what to do when you're lost (i.e. stay right where you are and I'll come back as soon as I realize you are gone; ask other moms with kids for help; don't go with anyone.) He told me as soon as he realized I was gone, he called my name and then started to cry. The other moms told him I would come right back. I did and all ended safely but the thoughts of what might have been still whirl through my mind.

So there you have it-my "horrible mom" story. Sam occasionally says, "Mom, remember when you left me at the library." Oh yeah buddy. I won't be forgetting that one for awhile.